Climbing the mountain.
You always try to make a sense from your pointless fate. You can ”go through hell” once more or you can “escape”.
Last autumn I tryed to climb the mountain and get on with my life in relation to my 9 months long painful and traumatically illness period in 2016: By turns I worked on my flee-artworks and my come-to-terms-with my traumas-artworks.
Hard personal process, because in my case it meant that I mentally during my work digged out several painful situations where I momentarily stood face to face with my own death, just for letting it go again the moment after, when it became too much for me and then I escaped into an adventure world. By turns.
"Fireplace1,- Anaphylactic Shock," (2016), 65,5 cm x 85,5 cm.
None of these artworks were created for exhibition purpose, but simply because I had something I WANTED out. I didn´t care if other people could use them elsewhere or not, I just wanted to get better myself.
For my big surprise here in this January, I have followed their fight through different selections for juried exhibitions. Till now it looks like my come-to-terms-with- trauma-artworks, where I had to ”go through the hell once more” in my creation process, spray paint art with furniture crafts work frame "Fireplace1, - Anaphylactic Shock" and my photo artwork "Primary Hyperparathyroidism" are those of my crisis-artworks which have managed best during the first digital selection rounds.
Great, because travelling around and physically delivering those artworks of mine for the juries 2nd selection rounds feels like parking this illness some very save place for a while, to give it away from me physically. Priceless. Releasing. So if I don´t get anything else out of them, at least I have obtained that.
Now it looks like somebody has recommended me for a prize in Italy here in February for my artistically career and for my first finished furnitue crafts work / spray paint artwork on masonite, "Fireplace1,- Anaphylactic shock", which is my only one till now. A self-portrait, created from new tecniques I started developing in 2014, which makes it possible for me to create other motives than astrologically themes and landscapes like other spray paint artists do, to use it as an ordinary art media, if I could use wet paints. But I can´t right now, because my body can´t stand the preservatives in all wet paintings on the market. So artwork is one of a kind.
Spray paint is a very difficult kind of paint to control on the media, as the paint is being sprayed out in the air from above the masonite plate. The job of the artist is to control the landing of these airborne laquer paint particles on the plate and through that create the wanted motif. This artwork of mine has up to 105 layers of BELTON lacquer and my tecniques demands different drying and harden times between the layers. Artwork is created over the period of 1 month and in the best summer heat in Denmark as it demands open windows in a cold country, too to work with this media. It is not possible to create this artwork quickly by using a hair dryer, like other spray paint artists do.
"Fireplace1,- Anaphylactic Shock" is a self-portrait created from inspiration from the burning and very painful moments during a medically test at the hospital last summer, where I realized that the test drug they put in my drop was dangerous for me, my body was like hijacked, I couldn´t move away from situation or call for help. I was paralyzed, got too less oxygen to my brain, my inner organs felt hurtful sat out one by one, and this worlds most dangerously allergic kind of attack almost killed me last summer.
Till now this is one of my come-to-term crisis-artworks I have difficulties watching myself, because it still hurts too much inside me thinking about it. But I think it might help me coming to terms with my fate experiencing it blowed up on a 5 meters x 9 meters widescreen in Genova Italy one day in this February.
I don´t know about you, but if I should have any awards in this life, I prefer to get them while I am still alive and able to recieve them myself and not when I am dead or get in another permanent a situation where I will be without capability to show up at the Award ceremony and say "thanks" for it.
I am still trying to climb the mountian, you know, getting closer and closer to the top each day from now, I guess, if my Sisyfos stone don´t hit me on it´s way down...... Again ...