Box blog Sept 21th 2018 (261449)
This website is now updated and supports secure connections with HTTPs and SSl certificates. Took only 1 day to repair it.
I wish I could say the same about myself.
2 years ago I was hit by an accident which damaged my gullet and ability to swallow my food, and since that day in August 2016 I have tryed eating liquid food. Each meal has been very painfull. I felt no progress at all during the 2 years the other day, when I visited my meditrician at the hospital for control.
The occasion was that about 3 weeks ago I was acute hospitalized because I felt some food had fixed itself in my gullet, which has felt paralyzed, "dead meat"- feeling in my gullet ever since that damned accident 2 years ago.
It feels like being choked in the food and drowning in liquids as milk, water and cold thea. I experience this almost 2-3 times each week for 1-2 days, and every time I feel like I have ran a marathon when it is over. I am exhausted each time it happens.
I feel exhausted all the time.
But this time I just didn´t have the strength or energy to loosen it myself, and everything I ate liquid food or water, it came up again. So after 2 days I got hospitalized, got some water drop, examined and after 3 days more almost without food or drinking sent home with the answer that this handicap is impossible to treat, simply because no treatement has been developed for this diagnosis dued to lack of scientific research.
"Ineffective Oesophageal Motility," which as far as I was told less than 3 persons in Denmark have. Meaning that there are no big patient organizations in Denmark to care of my rights or to get help from. Therefore, I have a politically unimportent handicap / illness when we are so few patients, meaning that people with this illness at the end of their lives are hospitalized maybe even for years with a stomach tube being layed like vegetables kept alive when they have become too skinny.
Luckily for me, I have never been "a Twiggy" girl, and as a former slim plus size model with a normal relation to food, I think there will become 13 months in a year before a stomach tube will be actual for me. My but is too fat. I don´t look like a concentration camp prisoner, but dued to the pains I have when I eat, I have lost my former natural hunger feeling and thirst feeling and the joy of eating together with other people. I eat to survive. Not for anything else. I only eat what I need to eat.
I each day put food and water in my mouth, trying to swallow over and over again, hoping it will pass down though it hurts.
If you do that, it is because you want to have a life. You want your life back.
I want my life back. Period!
I and everybody around me shall "learn to live" with my new situation and cronically invisible handicap which has smashed my flowering artistically career, a great one as a professional international multi-faceted artist which I have built up the last 9 years, since July 1st 2009.
But I can´t.
The people who told me that haven´t been following me, they don´t know that my strongest inborn ability is located in my mind:
I NEVER GIVE UP!
Please, read these words above and learn them!
Right now, I just can´t see any way out of my situation. Can you?
I think I can use this part of my personality which gave me this splended artistically career to try to get better, but I will never be able to travel outside Denmark again, because no hotels or restaurants make the liquid food I need, and when I am at an exhibition travel I have no time for shopping food ingredients at the markets or making the many small meals during the day I need in order to keep up my weight. Also, I cannot be entertaining or networking at a biennale or other juried exhibitions from 10 Am to 10 PM for 5-10 days selling my art, if I don´t get anything to eat or drink at all on the trip. So for the last months I havén´t been sending out artworks for juries, though you have continued sending me opportunities and great calls. Even calls for art awards I have missed. Thank you.
Dued to my health I have almost stopped creating art on paper, cardboard or canvas for the time being. No new artworks for this website have been finished for months, because I spend my meagre working time to finish creating furniture crafts, ceilings paintings, wall paintings and restoring the apartment where the accident happened. We might put it up for sale some day. The last year I have worked on restoring our new apartment which we bought in Sept 2017. We plan to move into it, trying to built up a new life away from the bad memories. We need that.
I love creating furniture craft, and renovate these apartments in my own pace without stressing, but my united art production and sale on movable medias is now lower than 5% from what it was before the accident, simply because I have to prioriate myself, my health and keep up my weight in order not to get a stomach tube.
I take this lonely fight all by myself, I feel, because I have no other choises, when this handicap is not socially accepted. Hostesses still think that if they make some delicious food and put it in front of my nose I will get hungry enough to eat it. They don´t understand that I am physically unable of swallowing their very well-smelling, well-tasting and well-looking food, and it makes me very sad.
Contrary to a lot of other oesophagus patients I still feel, have a life worth to fighting for: I have no cancer. I don´t smoke. I don´t drink alchohol. I don´t use drugs. People around me who loves me. A lot of ideas I want to realize, etc... But I also have an oesophagus handicap which makes it impossibe for me to spend money on going out on restaurants, go on vacations, or having a normal social life.
It feels meaningless, and I don´t agree with the people who says that
" What you don´t die from will make you stronger."
These "clever" words seems meaningless for me. These people don´t know what they are talking about. They haven´t been trying to force themselves to eat with my painful oesophagus for 2 years and without any progress or treatment opportunities. A lot of them wouldn´t be able to do it, not even for 1 day. Each time my hard fate hits me I feel weaker and more fragile.
If you don´t die from this it is because you have an inner strenght, which keeps you alive and going on. Because nobody else helps you.
Not if you are me.
Since my last blog this website ' s domain line by a mistake has been marked with an "Ikke sikker" = "Not safe" by 123hjemmeside. Off course it is safe to visit this website! They are working on this tecnically problem, so please, stay tuned!
Meanwhile, I spend some of my time on hospital controls.
Wery depressing turn off creativity environment : Grey. Another gray. One more grey. Dirty white. Black. Routing colours at the floor means that you look down all the way through the loooooooooooooong hospital building. They miss some colours on the walls of Hvidovre Hospital, I think.
Aug. 28th 2018:
Website security done. Trouble solved. More than you can say about my gullet. Still hospitalized.
"You are only a victim, if you see yourself as a victim."
Lisbet Lark, July 2018.
In the month of June, unfortunately, I experienced that one of my art collectors in public pratically gave away one of my few big early abstract artworks, "Det Store Maskefald2" through a Danish auction house, because he, who bought it from me in 2010, had no longer room for it dued to a private movement of his. As far as I know the auction house didn´t even set a minimum price and they didn´t announce the artwork for sale among their art collectors as they do with other artworks.
When a thing like this happen you are standing back totally shocked, smashed, null and void, because this negligence from other people devalues you as a human being and as an artist. I am now valued a big ZERO. Thanks for that! It will take me a long time to find my inner energy and new opportunites to come back, if I ever will succeed in that in this sick system.
Very demotivating. I feel that everything I have built up through my 9 years as a professional artist has been damaged in a few seconds. At least, I don´t have to worry about how or where to celebrate my 10 years anniversary in 2019 as a professional artist, because I feel smashed... - and who cares about it??? .... Nobody!
But congratulations to you who have done a very good investment. I hope you love and care for this painting as much as I did. It is a beautiful and happy painting.
With my comprehensive international recognition it is quite out of place by a professional auction house to treat me like that in my native country! .... Why???? ...... Somebody once said to me that a good artist in Denmark is a dead artist. If you have an opinion about anything as an artist, you have no value in Denmark and get no exhibitions here, too. You are being treated like you don´t exist. At least if you have the wrong opinions they won´t let you in, and for Gods sake: Don´t even think of starting a blog like this, if you are an artist in DK. You will be discriminated if you use your legal democratically rights to write it.
You have no value as an artist in Denmark. As an artist you are completely abandoned by this disrespect from both the seller and this amateur auction house. After this humiliating treatment and Jantelov- economically downrating, other potential customers act like gipsies and expect to get my artworks almost for free, at the same time as they expect me to be able to do on my own without any kind of economically support in Denmark at all. Those 2 pieces of the puzzle simply don´t fit together.
Therefore, I have here in July on unlimited time as a protest action chosen one by one to move away my remaining abstract artworks which are still for sale, from this public web-site. Away from the investment speculators money art business mashine. Gradually, my abstract artworks will be moved away, and their pic´s will be changed to a pink plate under item "Abstract" in the gallery menu. In stead, they are now showed in real life for a limited audience in a holiday apartment in Copenhagen with no public entrance or announcement.
....- and my own No1 best investment ever?
It is to drop investing my time, money and creativity in making art exhibitions in Denmark this year, and just enjoy the summer trying something new and take care of myself instead.
Lisbet Lærke/ Lisbet Lark.
This year I have forced myself to prioriate in order to get some more relax,- sparetime and days off, too. I have prioriated that this year my own personal needs come first. After spending 2 years with a surgery for a 10-20 years long slowly growing hormone illness, an accident and getting an eating disability / walking disability I need some more time for my self thinking over my life and what to do with it.
This spring I felt drained for energy and inspiration and I wanted to try something new. I had no inspiration for new art, actually each time I created a big exhibition here in DK, I had a period after that, where I didn´t feel inspired for creating new art at all. So this year I wanted to try something new in order to try to live with my new life cionditions and to get inspirered for creating new art.
I work on my own projects and settle more and more in Copenhagen. Among other things I have created this window in Copenhagen, as a new piece of permanent furniture craft in a private apartment, which I have been working on for 1/2 year now. I haven´t finished it yet, I am still renovating the last fluted copper plates for the radiator hider. I also have designed the new 4 cm thick oak window frame for including my metal radiator hider. It was very heavy and demanded a strong mand to place the new frame in the window hole, when we built it in 4 weeks ago.
...Because I deserve it...
But I think it is an acceptable alternative for the old one, which were damaged by the rain water coming from a forgotten open window. Someone I know recently said: "Wow! This apartment is developing from an old crock to a castle. Even the view is stunning!"
"Its called position, " I answered, "Its called position. The rest is creativity, aesthetically sence, patience and hard work....... - and maybe a little bit of inborn multi-faceted atistically skills, too...... Maybe.... "
Also the walls and the ceilings in this room have been broken down and built up again.There is a beatiful view, and the till now 2 months long Summer heat in Copenhagen is healing for me. I love it!
I love making places more beautiful ,- and Copenhagen is full of apartments, which need an artistically lift like this!
Gardening and creating plants and flowers is another healing activity for me, so even the big orchid in this window is grown by me in the orange water pearls in an old tulip bowl from Holmegaard.
I have my hand and mind full elsewhere, therefore, I have right now no art entries in for national or international juries.
I am busy lingering at this view and I work and relax as much as possible outdoor in the shadows. Sometimes a little wind passes and maybe a small cloud on the blue, blue sky. With a temperature 25 - 30 degrees celcious, maybe one should consider starting growing some palms?
"In good times we live
In bad times we learn."
Lisbet Lark, this morning, April 13th 2018.
"Boy at The Balloons" ( 2016).
But .... what if your fate hits you over and over again without stopping for a long time? Like a Sisyfos, and the only difference between you and him is that your body which is expected to push up the stone and claimb the mountain again and again is being more and more damaged by the fate stone that hits you over and over and over?
Is this sentence of mine waterproof?
For me it is, but not without fights, sacrifices and certain depriviations.
In the summer 2016 I was VERY ill from what showed up to be a hormone suffering which was spoiling my body bit by bit. I was unable to work or take care of my own gallery, hour long kidney stone attacks tortured me several times each week and I had to go through lots of hospital examinations. During one of them I had an allergic reaction, too, giving me the experience of a burning body, unconsciousness, astma attacks and itching exzema for weeks. That summer an accident happened to me at home, too, caused by somebody I love with all my heart.
Worse than worst case scenaria came true...
That damned nightmare summer I learned how important it is to have an illness break in an environment which I found inspirering, funny and with lots of happy people. To be able to move my thoughts away from anything that hurts. I spent all my "hospital off- time" at benches in TIVOLI in Copenhagen even wearing inside measuring instruments on. One of my favourite activities: Watching other people and their behaviour.
Among all the exited and screeming kids in all the amusements in the old beautiful garden, I spotted little quiet wheelchaired boy at the balloons. All of his inner universe and adventure possibilities were in those balloons. No wonder it took him at least 20 minutes to make a choice among the helium wonders. Just enough time for me to find my sketch book and draw this situation in a few lines for the artwork I have later named "Boy at the Baloons" , which were the start of creating my miniature art exhibition "Med lup og blyant." (With magnifying glass and pencil) which I had in TIVOLI, Copenhagen in autumn 2017.
That day this happy little hero missing one foot gave my own life a new perspective. You can always find somebody who are more disabled than yourself no matter if you have a "male flu" or if your body is being spoiled by a illness over 20 years without your knowing before it is almost too late.
No self-pity after watching him. In a split second I learned not to let my victim- and patient roles take over my life or be the meaning of my life. I learned NEWER to let my illnesses and handicaps be my identity, but "just" my new life conditions. "Just" because that is much easier said than done and I have been working on that ever since that day. Thank you my little hero and thanks for visiting me last autumn in my miniature gallery in TIVOLI, Copenhagen.
Miniature artwork "Boy at the Balloons" is my 3rd " left over " artwork from my exhibition in TIVOLI last autumn which has been selected for a juried exhibition in USA, this time completing my New Years resolution sounding:
" In 2018 I will learn how to use my disabilities to get ahead."
For this juried exhibition, "Art of Possibilities" at Courage Kenny Rehabilitation Institute in Minneapolis, Minnesota, taking place from April 27th to May 18th 2018 only artists with illnesses and disabilities at the time of artwork creation were eligible. Artwork will also be included in an online exhibition. It will be for sale overthere. A s I myself dued to my health trouble with my accident hit paralyzed gullet and stomach mouth cannot be present and sell this artwork, please, just ask for Laura overthere and she will take care of everything if you want this artwork.
Thank you for selection. Thanks for the funds and all the huge work done by volunteers making this exhibition possible.
That is all life is about, isn´t it:
THE ART OF USING YOUR POSSIBILITIES.
multi-faceted Danish artist.... - and spare time life philosopher.
The other day somebody said to me:
"Lisbet, I have become Box- blog addicted. "
" Ha, ha, ha, welcome in the club! Over 244.000 people can´t be wrong!
Isn´t it better reading a blog than being medicine- addicted? "
Incredible, that so many people finds my double life in this blog interesting: The life of a Mrs Nobody poorly anonumeously patient in Denmark combined with my successfull life as an international artist outside Denmark which I cannot take part in myself. My artworks are doing the job for me.
Thank you all for following me!